The Anxious Mom

If I could describe myself in one word it would be determined. When I found out I was pregnant with my son Eli, I knew that after the shock of an unplanned pregnancy settled I was going to set my focus on becoming the best possible mother I could be.

I was in my third year of art school & the semester had just begun. Being a 23 year old student turned pregnant mom was a huge adjustment for me. The world of being a mother was something foreign to me at the time of Eli's conception.
So I began my intensive rerouting of the laissez faire college student attitude into an informed & prepared soon to be parent.

Spending 9 months hosting another human being in my womb was joyous for the most part. I did not want to let my anxiety disorder get in the way of me having an enjoyable pregnancy so I kept myself busy. I  became busy reading about pregnancy, googling everything pregnancy/baby related and occasionally binge watching Grey's Anatomy (it was the hormones I swear!). One way I knew how to deal with stress and anxiety is by having a sense of control over the situation. The more I became informed, the better I felt.

Breast feeding was a huge deal for me. It was one of the most looked forward to things after having my baby. I was determined to make it work. I learned a lot about the importance of breast milk, and how much the baby benefits from it. I visualized having a refrigerator stocked full of my supply. I obsessed over making sure I had my pump ready to go in the hospital bag. I tested it out, got excited that I was already making colostrum. I was going to be the best breastfeeding mama ever I told myself.

Eli's first taste of milk.

When Eli was born I demanded an uninterrupted first hour skin to skin contact. He initiated the breast crawl and was latched on in no time. "IT IS WORKING!" I remember thinking as he began to nurse for the very first time. I cried, so happy to know that my body was able to provide such wonderful sustenance to my baby.

He kept up with the nursing schedule the entire stay. The lactation consultant was impressed with how well things were going. I was so proud.

Several months went by and Eli was still doing well, and gaining weight. I knew that he was eating enough but still my breasts wouldn't respond to my breast pump. I would sit down, nearly engorged with milk, and ready to pump but nothing would come out. I could hand express (which took forever) and get more milk than when I used my pump.
Slowly my anxiety started to fixate on this problem. I could have reached out to someone. I could have asked for help or advice. Instead I started to self doubt. The doubt became even louder when family members would express doubt based on my pump supply.
It was a snow ball effect. The more anxious I got the less milk I made and more doubt was expressed. I fought it off at first, reminding myself and my family that Eli was satisfied!

"But what about emergencies? What if you are not here? Shouldn't you have him on formula?"

I became worn down after months of not being able to keep a steady pump supply on hand. I had a constant fear that my baby would starve if I wasn't within arms reach. My anxiety was on full blast and I was a mess. Postpartum depression came on subtly, attaching itself to me unannounced when I felt most vulnerable. I caved and started to transition Eli to organic formula. I had traded my dreams of extended breastfeeding for a powder & shake routine. I felt an irrational amount of guilt for this switch. I know that some might think it is not a big deal, but to me it was. Breastfeeding was a cherished part of my motherhood and I had let it slip between the cracks. 

I learned that postpartum depression doesn't have to be obvious for it to exist. I began to have panic attacks about Eli getting sick. I obsessed over cleaning his bottles over & over & over. I became neurotic about germs. I started to hate my post pregnancy body, turning myself into the enemy. I slowly started to feel like things where out of control and PPD was turning motherhood miserable. 

Fortunately I was able to gain awareness of my problems before they got to out of hand. I am still struggling with different aspects of PPD/anxiety but each day I am gaining a little more acceptance of the way things are. 

Celebrating bonding with a bottle.

I am learning how to let go little by little. I am starting to feel okay about not having to wipe down the shopping cart 3 times before setting my son in it. I am starting to look in the mirror and think positive instead of negative.I have started to reach out to other moms for support. I am staying active to keep my spirits high, lifting myself up piece by piece. 

When I am rocking Eli to sleep and his little hands are gripping the bottle tight my heart melts. These moments are just a sweet as when he was nursing. My formula baby is strong and healthy and I have nothing to feel guilty about.

A lot of mothers are struggling day to day with postpartum depression or anxiety. They need to be lifted up. The unspoken/ unrealistic expectations that mothers hold themselves to can become crippling. PPD is real, and it effects millions of women in a variety of ways. 

What Helped Me

The first step to my healing was acceptance. Coming to terms with all of my issues and feelings took time. Acknowledgement is what helped me start to gain perspective. When I started to have negative thoughts I became aware of them. I am learning how to sort them from my true feelings, and let them go. 

I started to go for daily walks. I am a stay at home mom and being in the house all day can create a sense of restlessness which can start to make me feel anxious. I take long afternoon walks where I spend my time honoring the present moment. It is a mediation in mindfulness.

Reaching out to other moms, asking for help and advice and finding a community where I did not feel judged was very beneficial for me.

I  started to eat better. (This is one I am still working on). My PPD had gotten to the point where I skipped lots of meals. I still feel guilt for eating meals that I would have skipped otherwise, even if I am hungry & need to eat! I try to eat a balanced clean diet which makes me feel good from the inside out. 

I take time for myself. Some days it's just a long bubble bath. A moment of peace is enough to center me and keep me going.

Lastly I let go.... I try to let go... of every unnecessary worry that keeps me bound up in anxiety. Somethings are going to be out of my control! If I find myself on the verge of an anxiety attack I remind myself of how trivial my situation is by looking at the grand scheme of things.

Sometimes I even make myself laugh. 

My son is only 10 months old, we have a long road to hoe!!!

-Hope