Our Star Ziggy

  I want to tell you about my first pregnancy, but I find it necessary to give you a little bit of background about myself. I met the man to be my husband at age 16. He actually lived 2 states away in Alabama and was in my neck of the woods visiting hometown family. I was his aunt's nanny and we would hang out when he was in town since none of his cousins were the same age and he had not kept in contact with his childhood friends here. When I was 18 in 2005 he moved here and, after 3 short months, the rest was history. I was also diagnosed with hereditary high blood pressure at age 18. We got married in 2008 when I was 23. We knew we wanted kids but we wanted to wait and give our marriage time to grow and mature. Until then I took birth control pills. I had taken birth control since I was 16 so we knew I should come off of it for at least a year before we were to start trying.

  I would highly suggest a check up with your healthcare provider before becoming pregnant.
I went to my doctor just before I turned 24. This is when we were able to give our medical background information and address any other health concerns we may have. At the time my preexisting health issues were my low potassium, IBS, and most importantly my heart murmur and high blood pressure. These issues put me in the high risk category. My doctor instructed me to come off my birth control for at least 3 months to a year. He changed my high blood pressure med to something “safe” as well as suggested taking a prenatal vitamin or a multivitamin to prepare my body. He also suggested that I get plenty of exercise.
I did all of the suggested things and even reached out to Erica, a local doula. She was customer at the local library where I worked before I was pregnant. I had always believed that a woman's body was built to give birth to a child naturally but since I was high risk a natural birth at home with a midwife wasn’t an option for me. Sometimes interventions are necessary to save the mother or the baby’s life. The next best thing was to seek services from a doula. Erica would help guide me through the interventions that were headed my way.

  For a year I kept track of my cycle and temperature to figure out when I was ovulating. We actively started trying to become pregnant 3 months before I turned 25. We were actually visiting his relatives for Thanksgiving and my birthday hoping to find out while with family. It wasn't until about a month later that we finally got a positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic and like most first time parents we told everyone right away because our friends and family were always pestering us to have kids after a year of dating. I called and scheduled an appointment right away!

  My doctor and I clicked really well and he sent me for a blood test the next day to confirm the pregnancy. My HCG levels were low so I needed another blood test right before he saw me at 4 weeks. I was still a little low the second time around so he did an ultrasound to confirm how far along I was. He told me not to worry HCG levels can vary early on. I was 4 weeks or so. He scheduled an appointment with a perinatal neonatologist or a high risk OB, who I was to see around 12 weeks. This wasn’t shocking to me, we had discussed it prior to me becoming pregnant.
Up until this very appointment I had never been to an OB/GYN appointment alone. It made me nervous that my husband couldn't go with me so I asked a friend to come with me. I didn't know what to expect.
It went like a normal first time OB appointment, height, weight, blood pressure, medical history. Then they did a vaginal ultrasound, this was new and I didn’t understand why so I asked. I was informed that a vaginal ultrasound can give a better view of the the baby in early stages of pregnancy. The equipment used to do one of those is essentially shaped like a sex toy, they even put a condom on it. It's not very comfortable but I could bear through it if it needed to be done. The tech who performed the ultrasound did not answer any of my questions. I was told that I would have to wait to hear the results from my doctor. I remember how nervous I was when she left to get the physician. I tried to calm myself by listening to the ultra sound noises which she had turned down pretty low about midway through.

  The doctor finally came in to the exam room after 10 minutes of horrible anticipation. She began operating the ultrasound machine, turning the volume back up. I began asking the same types of questions hoping to ease my anxiety.

Then I asked about the heartbeat. 

  She then told me the heartbeat I was hearing was my own. She began to explain that I had lost my baby somewhere between 6 to 8 weeks along according to its size.
My baby didn’t have a heart beat any longer. I was crushed and heartbroken. I cried. I was there in the exam alone and scared.

  The doctor explained that miscarriages, for a first time pregnancy, were not uncommon. Statistically 25% of women experienced a miscarriage within the first trimester. She asked me if there was anyone she could call for me. I was utterly a mess. I tried several times to reach his cell but he was out of range and was on a delivery for work. I tried my mom too, but she was at work and couldn't be reached. The office called my OB and scheduled my DNC which couldn't be done until the following week.

  Telling my husband was horrible for me and heart breaking for him. He took me into his arms and embraced me with his strength and just let me cry and snot up his shirt. He took the rest of the day off and arranged to be off for the DNC and the day after.
The weekend was very slow to go by. I didn't sleep much and I would cry myself to sleep at night. I felt like it was something I had done even though deep down I knew it wasn’t. I thought things like did my husband still love me? Would I be able to give him kids at all? 
I managed to go to a birthday engagement although I didn’t really want to go, I felt like I would ruin everyone's time. Several friends assured me that I need to go and that they wanted me there. Once we were there I still ordered a Shirley Temple. My friends made sure to keep me engaged in their antics . Privately a few of them asked me if I was OK and let me know that I had their support. I said thank you, but none of them had ever gone through what I/we were about to go through. How could they even possibly understand? Though they could not relate, the fact that they were able to make sure I didn’t slip into something terrible, that touched me.

  Finally the day rolled around my husband, mom, and dad came with me. It was a day surgery. They gave me one last ultrasound just to make sure and proceed to give me medicine to help me relax. I was scared and a nervous wreck. I don’t remember much except waking up and crying that I wasn’t leaving the hospital the way a new mother should with a baby her in arms.

Although it was just for a short time, I carried my baby. I was a mother. No one could take that away from me. 

  The doctor recommend that I take 4 weeks off to recover physically and emotionally. We sought concealing after as a couple to make are we were handling the grieving process appropriately. We were learning how to cope, yet would be quite some time before we would try for another baby. 

  One of my dearest friends thought that naming the baby would help us talk about it and continue the grieving process and she came up the the name Ziggy. First Trimester losses happen and a lot of the time women will never know what went wrong. With the creation of life there has to be an ending of life. Its how we were built and designed. We just have to stay strong and know that we are not alone.